I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
