Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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