Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
