I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
