So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
