got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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