Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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