Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
