I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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