Me. At least after what I've been through.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
