i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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