There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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