1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
