Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
