Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
