In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
