I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize