There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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