I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
