i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
