actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
