So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
ok first of all what the fuck
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
