lets start a swedish sibling band together
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize