if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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