I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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