I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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