i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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