I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
