You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
