I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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