I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
