you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize