when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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