:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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