living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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