the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
