saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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