between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Too much gin, very little bucket
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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