i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
