I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
