my phone needs a breathalizer
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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