Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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