I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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