Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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