i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
