As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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