thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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