I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
