Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
