I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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