You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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