My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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