You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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