Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
