i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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