does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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