We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize