She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
