The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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