they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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