I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
