I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
