i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
