Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
