This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
