my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
