Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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